‘Surely there has to be more?’

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‘Surely there has to be more?’ I ask myself as I get ready for work. I smile into the mirror – ‘fake it 'till you make it, hey?’ My eyes don't smile back.

Most of my life, I felt trapped in the mundane. It felt like I would wake up, go to work, come home, eat, rinse and repeat. I was also participating in activities I was ‘supposed’ to enjoy – activities that aligned with my interests – yet I still felt like a star being shoved into a square shaped hole.

I'm young, I know there is more to life – but I am not sure what that is yet.

I thought about my roles and the activities of each – daughter, sister, friend, beach-lover and so on. In university, the role was 'student and anxious tween trying to find their way in the world'. Then, straight into ‘employee’. ‘Surely there has to be more to life’ – I keep coming back to this question.

I knew I was participating in activities I loved – like swimming, and dancing, and going to nice restaurants and yet … something wasn’t clicking.

I finally found my answer

At the age of 31 and 11 months, I finally found the answer. Moving to Edinburgh helped me embrace my queer identity – I could dress how I wanted without ridicule, I could hold hands with girls and no one would look at me funny, I could talk about myself without censoring who I was.
I watched other people embrace their identity wholeheartedly and I learnt that it was safe for me to do this too. I was still swimming, and dancing and going to nice restaurants – the activities did not change, but it no longer felt mundane.

What changed was that I embraced who I am, and I surrounded myself with community. I found belonging and I found myself. I found my identity.

I learnt the importance of understanding and embracing identity and the effect of this on activity participation. It helped me in my everyday practice – I learnt the importance of creating a safe space for the people I worked with, giving them the opportunity to be wholeheartedly themselves and showing up wholeheartedly as myself. Offering space to build identity allowed me and the people I worked with to show up with conviction.

Stars cannot be shoved into square holes

In this space of authenticity, we learnt that stars cannot be shoved into square holes and that we could sparkle when we found ourselves and where we belong. We could participate in activities and find meaning within them when we built upon a strong foundation of identity first.

My activities no longer felt grey; I saw a full spectrum of rainbow. I am a friend who tries to show up free from societal expectations, I am a sister who can model the power of self-acceptance, I am an activist for my community, I am a student of the LGBTQIA+ community, I am unapologetic in self-belief and acceptance, I am an occupational therapist free from blending in.

I am a safe space, and I am proud.